Archive for 'The Real Me'
A few months ago I started sketching out some programming, just laying out the layers of interaction, how things would work, and getting the ball rolling with a project to handle all my media from a remote location should I ever be out and about, and desire say a MP3, a DVD, a Image, etc. just a end-to-end solution for all of my media, last night, I started on it some, after a day of playing with ScreenCasts I am creating for customers - I felt like a little “me” time was needed.
I started on my Wiki I setup, mapped out some of the general things, listed the DVD’s first on the list, and actually did a dry run with Firefly (Disc Two, First Episode on the disc) - and I must say, it went swimmingly. Granted, the end result was a 100MB+ file, still, original audio track (not slimmed down) and original DVD resolution, it was not too shabby for a 45 minute episode, and played pretty dang smooth.
So now I have the basis for playing Flash Based Movies, there is some code to be had, a little PHP/MySQL since this Flash Player I am using has some functionality for that built in, I can start to map out and setup entire seasons/batches of videos in FLV, from my Stargate Collection, to My Name is Earl, and put them up in a secret location to utilize on the go - which leads to another issue “Bandwidth” - what to do, what to do. One option is actually rather cool, just got off the phone and I can get 10mp down / 2mb Up for $200~ a month, take out my normal cable modem bill and its not that bad, plus 5 static IP’s enough to do the friends server, etc. plus it’s cable, which is burstable/scalable, etc. So could be very good.
But thats my latest distraction, and it seems like it’ll be a good one, heck having to watch the FLV’s to make sure they are clean, it’s hard work! 
but life lately seems good - distractions are nice, but today it just seems one thing after another is going right, and I say PTL for that! Just got an order, just got a $500 check, just got a call on bandwidth - a good day thus far indeed, I am greatly blessed - so what am I going to do? Goto the bank, goto Target, and possibly Del Taco. Oh yeah. 
have a good Friday folks.
A long time ago, back in the days of starting a business, I made a few choices, I took some steps away from what was my at some level “expected” path and picked a different path, doing crazy things like forming FlockHosting which isn’t what I would call “super profitable” but gave me the joy and privilege of helping out Christians and Ministries get online afford-ably - another choice I made was in location.
When my brother and I got the office, one big thing we focused on was windows. We wanted light, we wanted a little bit of a view, we wanted to not be locked in a cave - like when I made changes in my business, I moved my office from the office where I am now to my home - and I never looked back - I think I may be at that crossroads again.
I spend a good portion of my day/job in front of a computer - working on personal projects, or working on favors for friends, or dare I say it, client tickets (as few and farbetween as those are) - but with so much time in front of a computer, in a room with artificial lighting just doesn’t cut it - a window, a bit of nature, fresh air, is always a must, and I think that’s where I am going with the office currently. I like the gang where I am, I mean let’s get the run down, my childhood pal, my long time friend who helped start my business, a site designer/programmer who is eager to learn/fun to chat with, ryan, and the rest of the wacky team of course who is sadly going away as part of that building shuts down - but its a wonderful group, but it’s not my office anymore, it’s not like I had setup on 19th - and that’s okay.
I’ve come to realize I have a blessed life, as much as I like to complain here and there, and let myself get down, unless one heckuva job offer, or one special lady enters my life, I think my crazy situation of odd nights of sleep (or no sleep), hanging out with some friends, family, and taking a day to just wander with my camera - thats more important to my sanity right now than a place to set my laptop, and while I am sure I’ll always have a place & a key to the office - I’ll probably only swing by to visit, or come in to work on the occasional project vs. make it my work home so to speak.
So the week of me continues, still awake, craving a swimming pool, and pondering the todo list for the day (which may include a nap) Have a good day all.
I have never been a skilled writer - my blog is really just a place to vent, put my thoughts down on digital paper so to speak - take what’s bouncing around in my brain, and give it somewhere else to live for 5 minutes as I convert a hazy thought into a sentence that makes sense to me, no one else probably, and lately my brain has had a lot to say, this past Friday was one of the better days - amazing that behind a camera my brain is off. I am concentrating on the moment, the shots, the area around me, its not my room, it’s not the office, it’s not a restaurant, it’s outdoors, its open air, its a breath of fresh air.
Over the last year while I have worked, researched, and tested new hosting ideas out, I have fallen back in love with 2 things in my life, music and art - my two real escapes anymore, either here @ the iMac plunk’n away at the piano, or out on a FotoFriday snapping some shots of nature, driving previously my Neon and now my Cobalt off-road where I should really have a truck lol - but I find joy in these things, I find peace and joy apart from the stresses of the day, the week, etc.
The last 2 weeks folks have told me to do what I am good at, to be a System Administrator, and while I do a fair job, and know a lot of computer stuff as one friend said “You know computers very well, that’s a gift, that’s a talent” and I am not doubting that, but going back to the big things that bring me joy, the things that helped me growing up to release, relax, music - pounding what must of seemed like nonsense to my parents on the piano, going on choral trips singing in massive churches/concert halls, that was good stuff, and now with Photography its another release - now if I just had a swimming pool, I’d be set, 25 laps, I’d be perfect
I honestly don’t know what the future holds for me right now, as much as I would like to say with the great hyperactive brain that I have it all figured out, I don’t - but I do think I am going to hide out for a bit, not entirely, but really take some time to do some things around the house, get my disaster area room cleaned up, get my taxes done and finished, and spend some time on me, getting myself in order before I go off trying to save the world.
So here’s to a week of me - I’ll still be on IM, email, cell will be on, and I imagine I’ll be going out some to get some air now and again, but just some things which need to be taken care of, who knows, with a few of these things out of the way the rest will start to fall into place. Prayers are appreciated, I wish I could say exactly what’s going on with me, but I have no real idea, something is changing, hopefully for the better. Take care all.
Lately I have begun to wonder what that light is at the end of the tunnel, and for the past few weeks it has been the train, and it runs me over a few times, and I get back up, step back, then lunge back into things, and give it another go to see if maybe this next time it’ll be daylight and I can move on from this tunnel of insanity.
But thus far, even 3 hours in the tunnel, I need 1 hour or so of step back, it’s just sad, and not really productive, or healthy - but such is life sometimes, but today I took a road over the tunnel for the day just to relax, and work on projects which for one needed a bit more quiet overall so I could do some testing on projects, and the testing went good.
So I started thinking about the “plan” to change life up a bit, and honestly, I don’t know what it would be, there are options, but I am thinking of maybe making a move in life, change of location, I have planned for mid-year to try to be in an apartment/house/whatever - but maybe something further out - maybe another state/town/country(hi jon!) but I really am starting to think a change of location might help my state of mind.
I love my friends and business folks here in Bako, but at the same time this is all comfortable, this is easy, this is sadly in some cases the same, day-in, and day-out - the bit from the last blog about not being able to help people who don’t want to be helped, very big thing in my life right now, just odd that folks feel I want something out of me doing something nice, but that is their choice I guess, in some cases it’s not all bad, folks simply don’t need my help anymore because their life has rounded out and is getting better, but for others, I almost feel like I have offended to even offer to help out.
So maybe a change of location is needed, not sure, something to surely pray about, biggest thing I’d be leaving here is Friends and Family, not like I have any business or romantic ties anywhere, so no major breakups - but maybe a new town, new opportunities, a place where folks don’t already have a pre-conceived idea about you, your simply “Chuck” and if people get to know you, then tada.
Other end of this, I may just simply be tired, long story as to why I am not sleeping, folks can call it insomnia, or chronic fatigue - but it’s neither, its sorting and figuring out a few things in life, lately I have sat up penciling or typing out thoughts and working on some choices with work, personal, etc. not to mention the joys of taxes, then I follow that up with a bit of winding down, so not a un-made choice, not a matter of being completely exhausted as simply a fact of life, but all by choice - so don’t worry that I have some sort of disease or syndrome, just how I work, wires have been crossed in my brain for decades now!
Anywhoo, prayers are appreciated, also for my dad who isn’t feeling too well, but for me just some clarity as to what I am supposed to do in life, not just in regards to a move, but in general, things since my birthday have been nuts, thankfully calming down, but still leaves me with some choices to make in the end which aren’t easy - but that’s it, the post I started last night totally erased, and a new fresh one down in under 10 minutes. Have a good Thursday folks.
Well the reason for that title? So I can hire someone and not have the classic symptoms of insomnia (well sorta) I laugh at medical sites, not to say they can’t be helpful, but they also describe something so well, you instantly think you can have it - however with Insomnia, I don’t have all of the symptoms, though folks have recently with my sleep schedule (still awake btw) folks are concerned I have it.
Even though I can see the sun rising outside my window here at 7am, most of the time I don’t have the associated symptoms - for instance not so much on the poor concentration - my brain tends to be one of the reasons I am awake, maybe should read “over concentration” there’s also decreased alertness and performance - but if I am up, it’s usually server related, and I seem pretty alert to me, or at the very least my brain can auto-pilot me to where I need to be.
The only one I can agree to is “An over-emotional state (tense, worried, irritable, and depressed)” - I know when I am really tired when this happens, and lately it’s rare as I get a lot of decent sleep, just maybe not at the normal times all of you would get sleep - I mean most folks try to sleep at night, I sleep during the day, and with summer coming, that may again be an issue, as with summer I tend to sleep through the heat of the day, and work through the cool of the night (ah California weather!) - but I do know when it’s been a LONG couple of nights, that the over-emotional state is there, thankfully I have some friends/family online odd hours too who are good to chat with both IM and Telephone who are a voice of reason.
So who knows - but if anyone wants to donate 30-40k a year to help me hire a secondary tech to be on-call, by all means let me know and I’ll tell you where you can send the check Till then, this is Chuck, going to bed.
So its been one of those month’s thus far, heck since I aged, things have been nuts. Let’s see, first extended downtime on the new servers (boy that happened early), overdrawn at the bank due to a billing mishap (billed 6 days early, 2 checks come in tomorrow that would of covered it all), sleep messed up, brain over-thinking again. Ah the joys of my life
All in all after today things feel better - parents helped out some cover the overages at the bank which helped a lot, brother offered to help as well keep me from getting more and more in the hole with overdraft - just one of those horrible timing things, but I have $33 in the bank, and in a few days even more, which still leaves me to pay back my parents but just crazy, plus messed up sleep probably really made it worse than it really was, as much as I don’t sleep, after several weeks of high stress, emotions, etc. sleep is one thing I really have to get caught up on.
Also started a project today, I need to work on it some tonight, this project isn’t work related, isn’t even friend related - this is me working on something I should of months ago, but with my crazy life, one thing pops up, then another, but made some awesome progress, going to work a bit more tonight/this morning - whatever this magical hour is - and then in the AM head to the office for a bit, and call more on this bill, and see what I can get ironed out.
So hopefully things with my budget level out, get a few extra bucks in the PayPal, make it through taxes (gonna be a pain this year, 2 1099’s), and hopefully figure out what the heck my brain is thinking on a few life choices, then put them to prayer and the ol heart (cuz this head over thinks things too much) - but thats me in a nut shell, tired, exhausted, tad insane (you all knew that though) but alive and blessed. Off to my project. Night!
So the simple, short, easy way to look at things sometimes is rather easily summed up in a single word:
Change.
Life is change, choices bring about change, as life goes on your physical body changes - where you once the team captain in football, you now get a ache in your back when you play fooze ball - you were the prettiest girl in school, and now you’ve had 2 kids and you don’t feel as pretty anymore - but such is life, we change, and not all changes are deep, some are physical, and all change takes time to understand, and come to understand/appreciate (I mean come on you have 2 precious angels now!).
I look around life lately, and see change, see choices, and as odd as I am, I try to run a choice other folks make out in my head, I try to empathize with their life, where they are at, where they are going, what they are knee deep in, and try to help if I can, but sometimes, I can truly say nothing, help isn’t desired, help is not warranted from me, life requires lessons to be learned, but I can’t shut off my desire to help.
In the process of the day today, I was asked for help, and my normal response occurred “Sure-thing” but upon people asking “Oh who was that?!” I was told not once, not twice, but 3 times, “Why would you offer to help that person?” and honestly its not something that pop’d into my head as I considered what was going on, I didn’t consider how I’d be helping that person continue their life as is, I didn’t consider that the person usually tends to simply ask for something and not give something, and probably a pile of other reasons some could give me to not help.
I don’t know how to change this though. I have written here about things like this before and I got some good feedback, but today as I was being told by people I have helped, and I am in the process of or going to help soon that I shouldn’t help another person, it boggled my mind - I don’t know what to think on this honestly, and tomorrow I’ll get a call, and be asked “So, can you make it?” and I honestly don’t know what my answer will be - I mean if person #1 who said I shouldn’t, stopped getting my help, would that be fair? or #2 - should I simply not give to them? or #3, is there one factor of why I should NOT help them?
I dunno, this whole getting older thing, trying to focus on my life a bit deal is just odd, I have never been one to really focus on what’s good for me - I go days without sleep, recently a day or two without food, because I am sidetracked working to help other people - and it doesn’t bother me really, I enjoy being able to help, to have the skills, strength, finances, etc. to help someone out, I mean whats a missed night of sleep to help out with advice on a marriage? what’s a missed meal to sit on the phone and just listen to someone? What’s $25 for internet access so someone can go home and unwind after work and maybe, just maybe unwind from their day, and have some of that stress relieved? It’s nothing at all.
I guess I don’t do a lot of things standard - I mean for instance today, I got an email from a client who said “Potential Customer!” and he wanted me to bid on this hosting project for his church’s summer program - honestly, it was a very awesome ministry setup, the video promo, the PDF flyer, all well done, professional - my reply on the quote? Free. I could of at the very least had $5 extra a month, but instead I decided a site on this ministry was more important than a #4 @ TacoBell each month (Which is 5.96 with tax if I remember correctly) - but I just don’t live my life that way I suppose.
2 Corinthians 9:6-7 says “6 Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. 7 Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” I was raised by cheerful givers, and not just my parents, but my grandparents, and other family - my grandfather would give his time to folks, my grandmother would take time to teach, my dad had an open ear, and also enjoyed to talk, my mom helped if there was a need to cover with finances - I have always just wanted to bless others, because God has blessed Me. I mean who would I be to not give to others? What is an afternoon canceling meetings? What’s the big deal in buying someone a meal - God provides.
My pastor once said “You Can’t Outgive God. I dare you to try.” and if someone on my blog is getting something from any or all of this blip here, then do try - do my finances get tight sometimes? Sure. Do I get sick/overwhelmed/exhausted? Sure - welcome to being human 101 - but in the end, God provides. I can’t over extend myself to even come close to what God has done for me in my life, I survived a car wreck, I’ve had health issues, I’ve had family nearly die growing up , but I’ve never been able to out-give God - I mean Jesus sacrificed his life for us, so I have a long ways to go before I get to that level of sacrifice and giving.
With all that said, what do I say tomorrow? Do I judge the life this person is leading? or do I simply do what Jesus did with the woman at the well, offer that bit of help of “Go and sin no more.” and be a friend, and example of Christ and have a few folks upset at my choice? or do I say “Sorry! No Can Do!” and maybe miss a chance in life that I sometimes deal with “What if I had done XYZ for Mr/Ms. X?” am I stepping out of something that could change someone’s life? or am I for once supposed to let person X do something on their own?
Time and Prayer will tell. Time to do my nightly rounds, and maybe catch some sleep here shortly. Take Care All.
